The day we lost Tatum our world forever changed. During the whole pregnancy, we were told she was healthy. Tatum’s movements started at 14 weeks. Her heartbeat was always so strong, her kicks were always so strong, and our love for her from the moment we found out we were pregnant was stronger than we could have ever imagined.
Then on Feb 17, it all changed. From that point on, we fought for her with everything we had until March 3rd; the day we lost her. This was the worst day of our lives and there are days it still does not seem real.
The doctors kept telling us that she was ok, but we just needed to keep her inside the womb. I had an emergency cerclage put in at 21 weeks and then was placed on bed rest. Within a week my water broke at 5:30 in the morning. Ben and I rushed to the hospital. We got there and the doctors told us she still had a chance, the cerclage is still secure. I just had to drink a lot of water to keep fluid in there for her (I was drinking (6) 32 ounces of water a day). They gave me steroids at the 22 week mark, with the hopes we could make it to 24 weeks. Hope and each other is what we leaned on. If we could get there she would have a better chance of surviving and not have many or if any complications born prematurely. We knew we were up for a fight, and had no doubts that we would not leave the hospital without our baby girl.
They monitored both of us hourly after we were placed in the hospital. Her heart beat was strong and she had no problems. Though she was doing well, I wasn’t. I was in pain and not sleeping. Ben never left my side. He stayed up with me through the nights holding my hand and comforting me while I was in so much pain. His love and strength is like no other.
During the time in the hospital our son Walker would come visit us a little at a time. The last visit we had from him at the hospital he was so sad and upset. We could see our absence was really affecting him, and we felt so bad we could not be home with him. That night I asked Ben to go home, which was very hard for him. I felt this was the right thing to do, and Walker needed one of us home with him that night. Before he left, we had the doctors check everything with Tatum. Her heart beat was strong as it always was, along with her constant kicking and movement. This helped Ben feel a little better about going home and he left at about 8:30. At this point we thought we had turned a corner and things were looking up. My sister came to be with me while Ben was gone so I would not be alone.
Within 2 hours of Ben being gone, everything changed. The doctors checked me again and could not hear a steady heartbeat for the first time (why now!). This is the worst pain physically and emotionally that I have ever felt. I have been doing everything in my power to keep her in there and it was not working. Her heartbeat kept going from low to high. They checked my cerclage and also checked her. She was dropping very low. They were asking me if I had spoken with a NICU doctor. When I heard that question I knew something was going wrong. Then, they told me we have to deliver her if there is any chance we are going to save her.
They took me to the O.R. and Ben showed up as soon as they were rolling me in. The doctor asked if I wanted to do C-section or Vaginal delivery, but we had to decide quickly. We picked C-section knowing that would get her out as fast as possible. So, they told Ben he had to leave and they did an emergency C-section under anesthesia.
45 minutes later I am sent to recovery slowly coming off the drugs. There are some things I don’t remember right after, but Ben was there with Tatum in his arms. She did not make it. She was 12 ounces and 23 weeks and 1 day. She was too small to resuscitate. She looks just like her big brother Walker. We spent hours holding her. The hospital allowed us to spend 2 days with her in our room while I was recovering from the C-section. During this time we had family come and they held her and loved on her. We have had so much support from our amazing family and friends.
Days later we had a small funeral. It was very surreal, and all I can remember is the pastor’s voice and hearing the wind chimes blow softly. This was a place she could rest.
The whole time we were hoping for a miracle, but now, we have nothing in our hands. We love this little girl with all our hearts. We know that one day, we will get to see her again, and we can’t wait. We can’t wait to tell her how proud we are to be her mother and father and let her know how she made us stronger than we ever knew we were; how she has shown us…we are fighters. And for that, we will fight every day and live every day a full and happy life for her. We make this promise today, because it’s going to be a new life. Her foot prints will live through our family. We love you Tatum Lee Blackburn!
Because of her and for her, we will try to help others who have been through this. There is not a moment or day that goes by that we don’t think of her. We feel there is good that needs to come from this tragedy. Something we can do to help us move forward and give back in a way we were supported through this.
When we were in the hospital, a few days after the delivery, the chaplain came to us and asked us about funeral arrangements. The last thing we wanted to do or think about was burying our little girl. The chaplain helped us out so much and took care of things that we had no clue about. She found the spot for her to rest, spoke with the funeral home, and then she told us the Ronald McDonald House wanted to help give money for her stone. This was extremely thoughtful and helpful. We learned they have a program for parents who are grieving the loss of a child and help with funeral arrangements.
So, in return, we feel it is our way to help others and give back to this program at the Ronald McDonald house. We are donating the proceeds from this event to the Healing Hearts Program at Ronald McDonald House in honor of our Angel Baby, Tatum Lee Blackburn. We hope this will help other families as it helped us in our time of grieving.